i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My vagina just recognized that song.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
