Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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