I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
