Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
