Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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