I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
