If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i think i just lost a toe
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