Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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