he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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