There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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