There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
