I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
