Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
