so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
But theres a keg here and me gusta
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
