we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
