the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
