I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
