Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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