dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
