Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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