there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
