Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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