he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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