Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
