I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Come on in and take your pants off
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