so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
