Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
