I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
