FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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