Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
