fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
