I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
