Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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