Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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