The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
