The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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