You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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