Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She told me I should be a condom model.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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