So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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