You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
As shirtless as possible
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
