do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
