I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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