at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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