Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
do nipples grow back?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
