Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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