i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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