I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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