The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize