So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
