the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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