So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
