It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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