Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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