arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
