the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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