DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
