Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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