If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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