Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize